I am sitting on my front porch swing, with my laptop, feeling pensive. It's cool and comfortable out here, and over the years, the front porch has been where I come for some time to think. I can't tell you how many millions of times I have sat on this porch, in this swing, thinking. When I was first separated from my ex-husband, I would come out here in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. I have cried so many tears here.
Anyway, I have been trying to think of a single, unifying theme for this post, and I can not come up with one. So many thoughts going through my head:
Things at school were pretty good today. More than one person has commented lately that I seem happier and more relaxed. I think I do feel more relaxed overall, but it's funny that I appear that way, because I feel like I have even more on my mind. I feel more serious and introspective than usual. Maybe that feeling comes off as "calm". Hah!
Why do people crowd you in line? The people who wait in line at my credit union have absolutely no respect for personal space. I always seem to get in line with someone right behind me who feels the need to stand WAY too close. It makes me uncomfortable.
There is a problem with Gary. He is having trouble accepting something from my past, one of those skeletons that you start to share with someone as you get to know them. I am unsure whether I should tell it here, because I don't want to "shock" all of you, too. He told me last night on the phone that he needs to "get his head around this" and he needs "a couple of days" to think. No matter what it is that I did (and rest assured it's not murder), it happened 4 years ago. I don't think it should affect who we are today, but apparently it is really bothering him. I told him to take all the time he needs to "think" and to give me a call whenever he's ready to talk. Either we go forward or we quit. And I'm wondering now, how I feel about HIS problem with me. It makes things feel a little less "magical" than they did a couple of days ago. (sigh) So I don't know when he will call, and that makes me feel a little lonely. I was just getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. What if, in a few days, I don't have him anymore?
Another guy from the dating site has contacted me. I have his phone number. I wasn't going to try to get to know anyone else right now because I wanted to pursue something with Gary. Should I call him, or not?
Why am I 43 years old, and half the time I still feel like I'm 29?
It's getting dark now, so I had better go in.
Thanks for "listening".