Monday, October 01, 2007

Thoughts from the Front Porch.....

I am sitting on my front porch swing, with my laptop, feeling pensive. It's cool and comfortable out here, and over the years, the front porch has been where I come for some time to think. I can't tell you how many millions of times I have sat on this porch, in this swing, thinking. When I was first separated from my ex-husband, I would come out here in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. I have cried so many tears here.

Anyway, I have been trying to think of a single, unifying theme for this post, and I can not come up with one. So many thoughts going through my head:

Things at school were pretty good today. More than one person has commented lately that I seem happier and more relaxed. I think I do feel more relaxed overall, but it's funny that I appear that way, because I feel like I have even more on my mind. I feel more serious and introspective than usual. Maybe that feeling comes off as "calm". Hah!

Why do people crowd you in line? The people who wait in line at my credit union have absolutely no respect for personal space. I always seem to get in line with someone right behind me who feels the need to stand WAY too close. It makes me uncomfortable.

There is a problem with Gary. He is having trouble accepting something from my past, one of those skeletons that you start to share with someone as you get to know them. I am unsure whether I should tell it here, because I don't want to "shock" all of you, too. He told me last night on the phone that he needs to "get his head around this" and he needs "a couple of days" to think. No matter what it is that I did (and rest assured it's not murder), it happened 4 years ago. I don't think it should affect who we are today, but apparently it is really bothering him. I told him to take all the time he needs to "think" and to give me a call whenever he's ready to talk. Either we go forward or we quit. And I'm wondering now, how I feel about HIS problem with me. It makes things feel a little less "magical" than they did a couple of days ago. (sigh) So I don't know when he will call, and that makes me feel a little lonely. I was just getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. What if, in a few days, I don't have him anymore?

Another guy from the dating site has contacted me. I have his phone number. I wasn't going to try to get to know anyone else right now because I wanted to pursue something with Gary. Should I call him, or not?

Why am I 43 years old, and half the time I still feel like I'm 29?

It's getting dark now, so I had better go in.
Thanks for "listening".
J.

16 comments:

Canadian flake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Canadian flake said...

Things in relationships can be so terribly complicated, even at the best of times. Of course, I can see the female perspective only but it is my opinion that it is pretty unfair of him to hold something against you that happened 4 yrs ago(since you said it wasn't murder).

Hopefully, he will come to his senses...if he can't get past your past, then it is better you know it now before you get in any deeper..just a thought..

Hang in there...it will all work out the way it is supposed to.

Canadian flake said...

sorry the deleted comment was me...blogger had a "hiccup" and posted my comment twice...sorry about that.

Brother Dave said...

J - I will be terribly blunt, and I do not want to sound mean. However, I would have a problem if someone told me that they had to get their head around something from my past.

That person should not give one damn about my past if they are truly interested in me.

On the other side of this, I do not see the need to "tell all" about your past. Your effort to be honest about yourself gives Gary an excuse to ease back on the relationship. He may not know how to be in a relationship.

I know this sounds cold of me to speak like this. canadian flake is right. "It is better you know it now before you get in any deeper…"

Hey… you go girl. Call that other guy from the dating site. Maybe he will accept you for you, and not give a hoot about your past.

And if you appear to come off "cooled down" toward Gary, and he mentions it, I would tell him that it felt hurtful that he had an issue about something from your past.

I am feeling ambivalent about whether to post this reply. I think that it needs to be said. I know you will accept it as remarks from a friend.

Jay said...

Seriously, four years ago? Big deal! What the statue of limitation on things that aren't murder? We all have skeletons in our closets. I'll never tell about mine. LOL ... It doesn't make any difference now anyway.

Hell yes call the other guy. Why not?

e.Craig said...

My only advice would be to keep your past to yourself. It's really nobody's business. I may be blunt here, but I'm not mean spirited.
When I did date, back in the day, I never delved into a woman's past regarding the men she'd been with or some dark secret that I didn't need to know, nor did I discuss my such experiences with her.

HoosierGirl5 said...

C.F. - Not only did it happen 4 years ago, but I didn't think it was that bad AND it only happened once! But at this point I'm still willing to "wait and see".

Dave - You should not hesitate to say what you think to me. I agree with what you wrote. I do not feel the need to "tell all" - we were just sharing stories from our past. He had just told me about the time he got a DUI - one of the "post divorce" benders that we all seem to have. My story was also a "post divorce" "way too wild" type story. Oh well. You can be damn sure I will never tell another man about that.

As for appearing "cooled down" - I had already decided that if he called last night, I wasn't going to answer. Well, I guess I showed him - he didn't call. Ha! Serves him right!


Jay - I kind of thought what was done was done. But apparently not. It's just so disappointing. I really thought he was "it".

As for the other guy, I sent him an e-mail telling him he could call me, and he did. We were on the phone for nearly an hour last night talking. He seems very nice, although he is a little older and not really the type I would expect to eventually settle down with a woman with young kids. Which makes me wonder what he's looking for. But that's my suspicious mind for you.

Craig - That's just it! It didn't feel like anyone was probing, we were just talking about things that happened post divorce. I thought I could trust him. And honestly, there are other things about me that I would have thought would be harder to accept than that. But like I said to Jay, you can be damn sure I won't make that mistake again.

I just thought I had really found someone. (sigh) Now I'm not so sure. Only time will tell, I guess.

J.

SilverWillow said...

I agree with Brother Dave, in that Gary was just looking for something to be able to ease off. Totally unfair to you! Part of the journey of a relationship is to spend time together and live in the "real" moment. Our past is what shapes us into who we are today, and should not be used as a checklist in trying to ascertain if we are likeable, or dateable enough.

For him to "get his head around this", is telling me he is either a judgemental person,whom #1, you do not need that. Or he is just using it to be able to ease off, because he is not ready for a relationship, #2, you do not need that.

My advice is to keep yourself open to the idea of new friendships. And you are absolutely right...time will tell.

Me? I am just trying to get past the whole combustion thing. LOL

Hope your Tuesday is divine, you deserve it!

Avitable said...

Unless you were a man, I can't think of anything that would take that long to process if he's happy with who you are now. And even that should only take a day or two to decide.

Fleur de Lisa said...

It can always seem magical at the begining, when you don't really know each other and there haven't been any disagreements. The trick is finding someone with whom you can sustain a different kind of magical feeling. :) Personally, I'd tell Gary to hit the road. You deserve better, and you need to keep reminding yourself of that. Don't settle!

RWA said...

You should listen to brother dave and e.craig. They both summed it up about as well as anyone could.

Just Dave said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HoosierGirl5 said...

Silver Willow - I don't know what's up. He didn't call last night. I am starting to feel, however, a little like I've been used....since he wasn't having a "problem" when I spent the night. Oh well. At least the sex was good.

Avitable - Well, it's been 2 days today. So if he doesn't call tonight, I guess I'll know. I think. Thanks for making me laugh.

Lisa - I am seriously considering taking your advice. I just don't want to be too hasty. I am going to give it a week.

RWA - You're right. How do those guys know so much?

J.

e.Craig said...

RE:HoosierGirl5 said...

RWA - You're right. How do those guys know so much?

----------------------------------------
I guess I should set the record straight. Brother Dave always emails me first before responding to posts. I help him create his replies, even help him with forming his opinions. "How can that be?", you ask. "He's a liberal and you are a conservative."
The answer is simple. He's my alter-ego. ;-)

Brother Dave said...

Blabbermouth!

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Hoosier, first of all, it's nice to be blogging again! I missed you!

You know, when I'm in line and people crowd me, I just stand there until they get ready to go around me, then I push forward really quick! Haha! Jerks.

Feeling 29 is a blessing, isn't it? And to be honest, there are guys out there who, the more interesting your past, are more interested in who you are! I'm one of 'em!