Why do people cheat on others? Specifically, the question on my mind is : why do men cheat on their wives, or their girlfriends? Yes, I know women cheat, too, but that's not what is on my mind tonight. I have never cheated on a husband or a boyfriend. The worst thing I ever did was, when my second marriage was in trouble, I called an old boyfriend to talk. I felt so alone then, and I didn't want to tell anyone who was in my day-to-day world. Somehow, if I told someone I saw every day, that would make the threat of divorce real. When my second husband found my cell phone records, he felt betrayed because he thought I was planning something. I wasn't, but I guess it did look suspicious. I just needed someone to talk to.
My first husband cheated on me throughout our marriage, but I didn't know about it. I guess it was naive of me, but I thought if I wasn't doing it, or even interested in doing it, neither was he. I was wrong. He cheated on me while we were engaged, he cheated on me when I was pregnant with my second child....I have reason to believe he was being unfaithful the very day she was born....and he had a longterm girlfriend before and after the birth of our fourth child.
He has never answered all my questions about why he did what he did. The only reason I know what I know is because one night after he had asked for a divorce, but before we separated, he had too much to drink and got a case of the guilties. I accidentally asked the right questions and he confessed to everything. Who knows, maybe there is more. Let's just say what I learned that night was more than enough information for me. And now, I dislike him so much, I don't really want to know.
The first serious boyfriend I had post-divorce lied to me. I finally trusted someone, and he blew all that completely out of the water. My second husband did not cheat on me, but he lied to me. He promised me that he was not telling anyone about the problems we were having, that "what happened at home, stayed at home." The truth was, he was telling everything to his ex-wife, someone he was still friends with. One night it all blew up, and I found out that he had told her some very personal things. That was pretty much the beginning of the end.
I don't know why some men aren't satisfied with one woman at a time. I know when I was dating a lot, after my first divorce, "sowing my wild oats", so to speak, that a lot of men I met just seemed to love to look. The thrill of the hunt. And some of them were afraid of commitment. As long as they could still look, and maybe chase a little, then they weren't "tied down". What I don't understand is, why do some men feel the need to look one woman in the eyes and speak words of love and devotion, and then go out and disprove those very words by being with someone else? Why go to all that trouble to lie? Do they really believe what they say when they say it? Or are they just caught up in the moment?
I have a friend who is having doubts about her boyfriend. He has some unexplained absences and some unusual circumstances. I can see why she is confused. Because of all that has happened in the last 5 years, I am naturally suspicious. I have to fight against my paranoid tendencies almost every day. My second husband had been cheated on by his first wife, and I think he put it best. He said, "Once you have been tricked, you are determined not to get fooled again. So you are always on the watch for it, even if you have no reason to suspect anything. You are determined you are not going to get played for a fool again."
My friend, N., said to me on the phone today: "If I don't trust him, I am lost." And she's right. At some point you have to decide, either you trust the man you love, or you don't. And then put the full force of your conviction, either way, behind it. Trust is hard. It has to be learned, to grow slowly. I trusted way too easily. I believed, back then, because I was being myself, so were the ones I was with. Unfortunately, not everyone is like that. Now I probably question too much.
I guess there is no point to this post, except just wondering. Cheating is a sensitive subject for me, for obvious reasons. I just wish men (and women) who do it would stop. The world would be a saner place for everyone if they did.