Monday, September 04, 2006
Swerving all over the place tonight.....
I love coffee! I really do. The crazy thing is, I didn't like it at all until about 3 years ago. I was married at the time, to my second husband, Larry. Things were not going well, and I thought I might improve things by trying to like some of the things he liked. This period of my life included me trying cigarettes for the very first time in my life ( I failed miserably as a smoker, thankfully), watching ALL of the "Rambo" movies (better than I anticipated), and trying coffee. Larry drank his coffee strong and black, but I couldn't handle that. I added sweetner, and a little milk, and I was hooked! My tastes now lean more toward mocha lattes from expensive coffee shops, but I still brew a pot on Saturday and Sunday mornings, especially if my S.O. is staying over. Apparently his ex didn't share his love of coffee, and gave him all kinds of grief over spilled grounds on the counter, so nothing pleases me more than to have a cup of coffee waiting for him when he wakes up.
This weekend has been a mixed bag. Friday and Saturday were go, go, go. I mentioned in the last post that my nephew, Tyler, was baptized Saturday evening and I am his godmother. I just called my brother-in-law and pestered him to e-mail me the pictures, so I should be adding those soon.
Sunday and Monday have been very relaxing, mostly. My kids left Sunday morning for a couple of days with their dad, so Baron and I were kid-less for 2 days. We puttered around here, then headed over to the flea market for a few hours. Really fun. I got a "I Love Football" sign for Daniel, and a "Cars" car for Aaron to add to his McDonald's "Cars" cars collection. And I picked up a tube of Mary Kay mascara dirt cheap. Baron hunted through Hot Wheels galore, and saw plenty he would like to have, but he restrained himself, due to upcoming financial need. It was nice to just stroll around, looking at stuff. I saw a "Teacher Barbie" for only $14 that I really wanted, but I decided I didn't really NEED it right now. (Sigh) I have always wanted a "Teacher Barbie". Maybe next time.
Today Baron and I slept in and spent lots of time talking and cuddling. We had some things to talk about, things like trust and love and our future. Why is it, no matter how old you are, you still feel so vulnerable and insecure in a love relationship when even minor trust issues are involved? My first husband was very unfaithful to me throughout our 14 yr.marriage, and I was completely unaware of any of it. I didn't find out about anything until we were separated. The first man I trusted my heart to, post-divorce, lied to me. So I spend a lot of time fighting the urge to be suspicious. I never want to get another one of those gut-wrenching, punch-in-the-stomach surprises again. I would rather be told the painful truth, than be lied to in the name of "I didn't want to hurt your feelings".
Trust in someone is like faith in God. You just have to believe, even in the face of evidence to the contrary. It is hard. In the face of what transpired this weekend, I feel my faith was slightly shaken but not destroyed. I get scared, as Baron and I get closer, and my feelings get stronger. I am afraid, quite honestly, of getting my heart broken, but I feel like Baron knows what I am entrusting to him, and he takes that trust very seriously. I have begged him to be honest with me in all things, and he has given me his promise and his word. That's good enough for me.
How's that for a complete switch in focus? I started out talking about coffee and "Teacher Barbie" and ended up philosophizing about trust and love. My kids are home now, the house is noisy and messy again, and I am getting ready to put the youngest to bed. Have a good week, all.
Posted by Jodi at 8:16 PM