It's back. It's bad. In fact, it's worse.
I got a call from my former stepdaughter this morning. My ex-husband's cancer is getting worse. The chemotherapy makes him very sick, and the anti-nausea pills aren't working. He couldn't even come to the phone, when we called to wish him "happy father's day". He isn't my kids' dad, but they still care about him.
I cried and cried after I got off the phone. They may have to put him back in the hospital to prevent dehydration. One of these days he's going to go back in the hospital and he isn't going to come out. That day is getting closer and closer.
It's coming. The day when I have to say good-bye to one of my best friends, my former lover, my former husband. In fact, I still share his name. I just can't believe he's going to leave me again. It was hard enough the first time, accepting that he didn't love me the way I loved him. Packing my things and moving away. Learning to live without him. Eventually accepting his friendship.
I always thought he would be around. No one could understand our bond. Divorced people weren't supposed to act like we did. Go out to dinner. Go see movies. Help each other by staying married, but separated until all his medical bills were paid from his heart surgery. Go to birthday parties. Give each other Christmas and birthday presents. Talk on the phone almost every day. Encourage each other in new relationships. I had hoped, someday, if I ever met the right man, that he would come to my wedding, if I ever have another one. I could always count on him.
It doesn't seem fair that there are so many horrible people in this world - murderers, child molesters,idiots - alive and well....and this good man has to go.
His son and daughter need him. I need him. Aaron asked the other day, why didn't we live with Larry anymore? And after I tried to explain, he asked, "Can we still go see him? I miss him." How do I tell him when Larry isn't there anymore?
I am going to see him again. This week. As soon as possible. I have to say goodbye.
It's back. It's worse.
And I have to say goodbye.