Monday, January 21, 2008

Monday Chuckles - The REAL version!

**DISCLAIMER**: My apologies in advance to my loving boyfriend and to Brother Dave. I am sure that none of these stereotypical statements and generalizations apply to THEM.


This post is lovingly dedicated to my good buddy, E. Craig. I hope he chokes on enjoys them.


Man Jokes:

How does a man show that
he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So that men in Dayton can remember them.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know;
it has never happened.


What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Why does a man prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

Why does a man like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it. B. Penicillin

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are men like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

What do you call an ex-husband with half a brain?
Gifted.

What is the difference between an ex-husband and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Man: Want a quickie?
Woman: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What do you call an intelligent man in Dayton, Ohio?
A tourist.


I'm through now.
Thanks.
Have a great Monday.
J.

8 comments:

Just Dave said...

I steadfastly refuse to be offended. Touche, ma petite.

coffeypot said...

So! When do the jokes start?

J. said...

Is it wrong that so many of those appear as truth to me??
Thanks for the laugh.
Sorta.
:D

e.Craig Crawford said...

Well .. of all the nerve! Telling the truth about us men and trying to pass it off as humor.
This is how we are, but y'all love us anyway. That's what's important.
And I DID notice the couple references to Dayton, Ohio. We both know you made your point. You'll pay.

Brother Dave said...

Cute. Clever.

And e.craig can get even.

Anonymous said...

All good humour is rooted in truth!
I like the fact that J mentions Dayton + not Toledo. Toledo is just soo worn out.
(Yes, I've spent considerable amount of time in both cities. GM used to have 5 factories in Dayton alone!)
J; did I mention that the "Colonel" is my close relative?
And, I'm very much like a Blizzard. You know I'm on the way, but you just don't know for sure when I'll be there. I'll be around for how long? The aftermath of my arrival is measured by simple ???, (") to the storm of the decade.
I'm off to play with my marbles. I prefer Agates. They get the points so much quicker; if you know how to shoot!
Ha Ha. I crack myself up!

HoosierGirl5 said...

Just Dave - I should have excluded you, too, dear. I'm sure you are never like that!

Coffeypot - Remember the tongue sticking out picture? That's what I'm doing in YOUR direction right now.

E.Craig - Any references to Dayton, Ohio, are purely coincidental, I'm sure. (smirk)

Brother Dave - I'm not worried. Much.

Silly Trucker -
J; did I mention that the "Colonel" is my close relative?
It doesn't surprise me, considering the time we've spent together....(grin)
And, I'm very much like a Blizzard. You know I'm on the way, but you just don't know for sure when I'll be there. I'll be around for how long?
We have a snow day today...does that mean you'll be back soon?
Ha Ha. I crack myself up!
I think you had been driving WAY TOO LONG yesterday....you were gettin' a little silly there, sweetie. Thanks for commenting!
Love ya!

J.

Canadian flake said...

how completely true are these...spent the whole time reading and saying AMEN SISTA!!!!