Wednesday, December 05, 2007

After last night......

These jokes are lovingly dedicated to the FOUR awesome men I spent an hour with last night, but particularly the super-sexy Coffeypot:

There were three guys on top of a tower, and they met a genie. The genie said, "I will give you one wish each. Whatever you wish for, you will jump off and land in it. The first guy wished to land in gold, so he jumped off and landed in a huge pile of gold. The second guy wished for lots of money, so, of course he landed in money. The third guy said, "I wish for...uh...oh man I forget...crap!"

Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together. The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun. The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building. The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer. At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled. The first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!" The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!" But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch."

A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman!

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

Why do men have slits in their underware?

So they can get oxygen to their brains.

What did God say after he made Adam?

"I can do better than that."

Q: Do you know the real reason Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.

How do you save a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

Why don't men do laundry?

Because the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time."

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?

So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Check back here tomorrow for something dedicated to E.Craig.



Mimi said...

good ones! Thanks for the laugh! :)

Brother Dave said...

w0w… you truly did coffeypot justice.

coffeypot said...

J., when do the jokes start?

coffeypot said...

Maybe these will help you:

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (Because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (They don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (They don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Man

coffeypot said...

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000! Tux rental - $100! People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time!

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes; one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

e.Craig said...

Sounds like National joke night, so here goes.

A blonde rear-ends a car at a traffic light. It's a "fender bender." As she emerges from her car, the other driver gets out of his car. He's a midget.
"I'm not happy!" he loudly states. "Well then" replies the blonde, "Which one are you?"

And you are dedicating something to me tomorrow?   Hmmm ....

RWA said...


Those things are supposed to be funny?

C.Jane said...

I will certainly have to stop by to see what you are dedicating to e.craig, lol.

Yes! I am back. :-) Thanks for the welcome!

Canadian flake said...

omg wayyyyyyyy too funny..laughing so hard here I almost fell off my chair..lmao.

Thanks for the giggles